[By RaceMan, for www.forom.com]
* Love and marriage *
* Go together like *
* A horse and carriage *
* This I tell ya, brother *
* You can't have one *
* Without the other *
* Love and marriage *
* It's an institute *
* You can't disparage *
* Ask the local gentry *
* And they will say It's elementary *
* Try, try, try To separate them *
* It's an illusion *
* Try, try, try And you will only come *
* To this conclusion *
* Love and marriage **
NARRATOR: Last week on Married...with Children...
What is that behind your back?
WOMAN: What-- Ohh!
WOMAN: Aah!
Yep. Somebody sure doesn't like tourists.
He chops them up in 1972...
and 1977...
and 1982. Yep.
Every five years.
Who you think's gonna get killed this time?
We're here!
NARRATOR: Nobody really likes Poppy's, but Al's happy anywhere.
Look here.
"Tonight at the high school,
meet the man who met Andy Griffith."
NARRATOR: Peggy is harder to please.
Comfortable, Al?
Does it matter, Peg?
Not really.
Aw, Peg, this was supposed to be my vacation.
Get to work, Al.
All right. Get my Dramamine.
Aaah! Aaah!
NARRATOR: And now, the Bundy vacation continues.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Kids, come on!
Kelly, where's Bud?
He was listening behind the door.
Oh, oh! Come on, Bud, Kelly, we have--
Oh, oh! Will you shut up?
Kids, get dressed.
We're leaving. But we like it here.
Suit yourself. Peg.
Al, we are not leaving the children.
Well what's wrong?
There's someone in our room.
That's him!
ALL: Aaah!
Help!
Peg, do something.
Aah!
All right, we need a plan.
Here's what we do.
We get in the car and drive home.
That's it, that's the plan. Let's go!
ALL: Aaah!
Who could have cut our tires?
Oh, well, let's see.
Who do we know that's insane and has a sharp object.
Grandma?
Dad, would this be a bad time to remind you?
We all voted for Hawaii.
You know, Bud, there's still an opening for someone
to go upstairs and get our bags.
Uh, Dad? Oh, what?!
There's a phone behind you.
You might want to share this with the police.
I'm just tell them that we're in this dump
and if you have the time
why don't you tell them there's a killer upstairs!
See? There's a team player.
[CLICKING LEVER]
Hello, operator?
Operator!
Hello!
The phone's dead.
Okay, I know how to buy us some time.
We'll tie Kelly up, and leave her as an offering.
Uh-uh. Last born, first torn.
Don't move.
I love you, Al.
Who cares? We're going to die.
What are you folks doing?
Wetting ourselves.
Someone tried to kill us in our room.
Oh, yeah.
Must've been the guy who does that every five years.
That wasn't in the brochure, Al.
The storm washed the bridge out.
That means the killer is stuck right here with us.
Got him right where I want him.
Well, might as well go back to bed now.
Oh, if you folks see him again, just holler.
I'll try and find you.
There goes the only man in town who can save us from the killer.
We're dead.
Well, maybe this is just one of those mystery weekends.
There's no mystery, Mom.
Dad was just too cheap to take us someplace nice,
and we're going to be butchered.
Thank your father, kids.
Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad.
Okay, family meeting.
All right, now, let's discuss what we know already.
We're trapped by a killer, the phones are dead,
and the sheriff couldn't catch an M&M in his mouth.
So it looks like it's left up to us to survive.
Now, what we need is a weapon. Any weapons?
How about Bud's underwear on a stick?
That's a good thought, Kelly, but we can't get to our clothes.
Well, here's a plastic fork, Al.
That's good enough.
Now, here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna sit with our backs to each other
so no one can sneak up on us.
Now, we'll set up a watch.
We'll take turns, I'll take the first watch.
Now, I think I can stay up all night, but if I get sleepy,
I'll wake you up.
Now, be careful, Al.
Don't worry about me. I got the fork.
Well, this is certainly a fine how-do-you-do.
They're alive.
What happens to our pool?
I guess we just roll it over till tonight.
CROWD: Yeah.
Think we should we wake them up?
It's almost noon.
Don't startle the poor little white-haired girl.
I read them albinos are real skittish.
Be careful.
The one with the powerful feet got a fork in his pants.
Hey, Bundy, get up.
Peg, kids, get up.
It's safe.
Thanks to me.
Al, why didn't you wake us for our watch?
Hey, the lion watches over his cubs.
Oh, the sheriff said to tell you
he didn't find nothing in your room.
It's safe to go back up.
Uh, excuse me, everybody.
I don't mean to interrupt your meal.
But I would just like to say thanks
for rushing to our aid as I was screaming into the night.
Does everybody realize that
we were almost killed last night?
Yeah, sure do.
Oh, well, then maybe I'm boring you.
Isn't anybody else scared?
No...
You see, there is this axe wielding maniac on the loose.
Sometimes they can hurt you.
Won't hurt us. He just kills tourists.
11 since 1962.
Family meeting.
We're out of here.
Al, may I remind you that somebody
has slashed our tires, the bridge is washed out,
and somewhere in Honolulu, there's a family going, "Ahh."
You can't let it alone, can you Peg?
Now this is nice. "Why can't we go to Hawaii?"
"Why did we have to come here?"
"Why do we have to take this car?"
You know, standing here with my loving family,
I have a question.
Why am I running from the axe?
You're right, Al.
I'm sorry to keep harping at you.
I mean, sure there's a maniac stalking us,
but what about all these nice people
and the raw beauty that is Poppy's?
Oh, God, I feel so low.
It's beautiful here, Al.
I'm having a blast.
Thank your father, kids.
Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad.
And, Al, you are an idiot.
So, let's go pack, steal a canoe,
and get the hell out of here.
That's right, envy me.
That's my wife, those are my kids,
and I sell women's shoes.
What am I worried about? I was dead before I got here.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
What if the killer is inside waiting for us?
All right, someone's got to be the brave one.
I'll stay back with the kids.
Peg, check the room.
Uh-uh, Al. You got the fork.
Ah, it's always me.
I work. I pay the bills.
And who's the first to die?
Daddy.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
Heh, heh!
It's safe.
You're welcome.
All right. Pack everything.
We'll leave the doors unlocked.
Peg.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
Heh, heh!
Ha, ha!
It's safe. Okay.
Steal everything that's not tied down.
Pack up. We'll go downstairs, get a refund, hit the road.
Oh, uh, pack this.
We can always use a fork.
And don't forget my special towel.
I'll get the luggage.
Aah!
Stop him! Stop him!
Al, you forgot your fork!
Somebody grab him! He's the killer!
Got a killer here!
Thank you!
Aah!
The killer stepped on my foot.
Thanks a hell of a lot, guys.
Did I catch the killer at a bad time for you?
Bundy? What the hell are you doing with poor Delbert?
Come on, Delbert.
Lock him up, sheriff. The rough stuff's all over.
He's the killer.
I got him with old dynamite and iron.
But that's Delbert.
So you don't arrest Delberts down here?
What is he, sacred? The guy was in my closet.
Now, Delbert, what were you doing in this man's closet?
Come on, Delbert. I know your ma.
I just wanted his camera.
Now what do you say, Delbert? Come on.
I'm sorry.
Now go on home. Go on.
Being a little rough on him, aren't you sheriff?
He's no killer, just one of them kleptos.
Hell, he's my deputy.
He was with me last night.
Oh, thanks, Roy.
Here's your camera.
Now go back to sleep,
enjoy the rest of your vacation, and relax.
Me and Delbert's on the case.
Look, that guy's a killer.
I know it, you know it, and them--
Well, if Darwin was right,
they'll know it in about a million years.
Now, me? I'm taking my family
and I'm going back to Chicago
where I die just a little each day.
Peg! Kids! Let's go!
What happened, Dad?
Oh, I was a big hero. I caught the killer.
And the townspeople cheered
and let him go because he's a Delbert.
Our vacation's over.
Let's go.
Uh, Dad?
I think we're missing something.
Well, leave it here, we'll have them send it to us.
It's Mom, Dad.
Oh, yeah.
I was wondering why I was carrying the bags.
Where'd she go?
Now, don't get nervous.
I'm sure if anybody has your mother,
he won't keep her long.
Now, we'll go down in the lobby and look for her.
If she's not there, I'll find her.
You stay in the lobby with the mouth breathers.
Let's go.
[GAGGED SPEECH]
Why am I doing this?
Revenge.
Mm.
Not just against you.
All tourists.
See, my daddy used to own this place.
Mama didn't want him to buy it,
but nobody ever listened to mama.
[GAGGED SPEECH]
Yeah. Daddy had a weak heart, but did the tourists care?
No. "Give me some towels. It's too hot. It's too cold"
"You call this food?"
"We should have gone to Hawaii."
Dad finally collapsed bringing some fat woman a burger
in the middle of the night.
Mama committed suicide shortly thereafter.
Aw...
Right in this room.
They left me all alone to take care of myself.
A little kid of 20.
And that's how I been ever since, alone.
My parents lost their lives taking care of others.
Now who's going to take care of me?
[GAGGED SPEECH]
What?
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
Oh. Please. Please, Mr. Maniac.
Don't kill me. I'll take care of you.
Oh, yeah, sure.
You tourists, you can't even take care of yourselves.
No, no, no, no.
Believe me. I'm really good at, uh...
uh, what do you call that stuff?
Housework?
That's it.
I don't know.
I like my place clean.
I was born to clean.
Dusting? I'm the best.
Polishing? Legend.
And, uh, what do you call those things
you know that you push across the rug and they go, whrr?
A vacuum?
I feel naked without one.
Then you'll definitely have one.
What about sewing?
What about it? Do you do it?
Happily. Washing?
Your clothes? I'd be proud.
Blood stains, no problem.
How about cooking?
Oh, now we are really talking my life.
Yep, just put me in front of a hot stove on a summer day,
four burners going, grease splattering into my face,
mixing with all the sweat.
Who am I kidding?
I don't do any of that stuff.
I don't do anything.
I'm a housewife, damn it!
But look, I feel sorry for you.
I know what it is to be alone.
I have a husband and two kids.
But I don't go around killing them.
I might if I didn't have a TV.
You know, that could be the answer for you, too.
Look, the next time you get this killing urge, just do as I do.
Grab yourself some bonbons, take the phone off the hook,
pick up the old remote control, and remember,
don't kill, watch Phil.
I hate Phil.
You are sick.
Yeah, but I'm going to be alive in the morning.
Peg!
Peggy!
Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I didn't mean to bother you while you were dressing.
Have you seen a tall, redheaded woman?
I forget her name right now, but the kids call her mom.
It's Peggy.
Peg!
Peggy!
That's your future late husband.
I'll hide behind the door.
You call him.
I will not.
Okay, then I'll kill you first.
Al! Yoo-hoo!
Honey, I-- I'm in here.
Peg!
Who did this to you?
Tell me!
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
It doesn't matter. We're going home.
I tell you this--
I don't think we're ever coming back to this place.
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
Let me untie this.
You know, I kind of like you this way.
I think we'll take this home.
What are you trying to say?
Aah! Aah!
Help me, Peg. Help me.
Help me, Peg.
I'll cook for whoever wins!
[THUD]
Al! Al!
Ah! Ah! Help me, Peg. Help me.
Help me, Peg. Help me, Peg. Help me.
Come on, Peg.
Run! Run, Peg! Run!
Yep, yep, yep.
Ever hear of the drink Coca-cola?
Yeah.
Will you stop it?
That's the first time you've said those words, Kel.
Ugh!
He's an idiot.
Huh?
That's right, dear.
Anyhow, you ever hear of Chevrolet?
PEG: Aah!
That's Mom.
AL: Aah!
That's Dad!
Help me, Peg. Help me, help me.
Run, Peg, run.
Run, run, run.
Al! Al, my hair!
Help me, Peg.
Help me.
Don't help me, Peg.
There he is, the killer.
He's done, washed up, finished.
He learned what a lot of killers learn:
When they come after Bundy, they find trouble.
Excuse me.
[PUKING]
Yep. Bundy's the name, hero's the game.
Get him out of here.
Who is he sheriff? Who is the murdering scum?
Uh-oh.
Well, do we take him to jail now, or hang him right here?
Do you know who this man is, Bundy?
Yeah. He's the killer.
Yes, but he's also the man who met Andy Griffith.
What are you doing?
Making sure you didn't hurt him.
See, Bundy, Dumpwater ain't much of a town.
We only got two things--
A serial killer and the man who met Andy Griffith.
We could probably stand to lose one or the other,
but we'll be damned if we're going to lose both.
Y'all better get going, Bundy.
I say we hang the whole family.
I'd kind of like to keep the little white-haired girl.
Kids, get the bags.
Dad, are we taking mom too?
I guess.
Are you gonna be able to talk tonight at the high school?
I don't know.
He hit me hard.
Take her like she is.
We'll untie her at home...
maybe.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
PEG: Al, where are the kids?
BUD AND KELLY: Thanks, Dad.
KELLY: Gee, Dad, next year can we go to Lebanon?
Where's my luggage, Marcie?
Steve, please, I am sick of hearing about your luggage.
Can we talk about something else?
Fine. Where's my camera, Marcie?
Steve, you're obsessive.
I am not obsessive.
I just know they've taken that luggage and gone off somewhere.
Right, Steve.
I'm sure they're going to build a whole new life
around your luggage.
And my camera.
BUNDYS: * There's no place like home *
AL: Steve, here's you luggage and your camera.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[***]